The clock ticks, my dog snores, and traffic picks up outside my front window. I’m working in the living room today, surprised by how different it feels to see the cars passing and to hear the mailman stopping and to see my neighbors come home as the work day draws to a close. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?
Normally I work in the office at the back of the house. My desk overlooks the backyard where squirrels play and my pets lounge when the sun is shining on the concrete patio. In the office, I’m surrounded by bookshelves and a fireplace and my husband’s desk where he works from home one day a week. The desk drawers are stocked with all the pens and stamps and staplers a woman could need.
Friends envy my flexible work schedule and stay-at-home wardrobe, though a few admit they’re not self-disciplined enough for such an arrangement. My husband’s two-hour daily commute sometimes makes him wish he could work at home more often. And it’s taken a while to help my family understand that just because I am home I really am working. I have the tax bills to prove it.
There’s just one problem: after fifteen months of working at home, I’m lonely.
A recent study by workplace provider Regus shows that 37 percent of home-workers are “lonely working on their own” and 65 percent say “they miss mixing with fellow professionals.” Sixty percent said they “were getting ‘stale’ and needed to schedule trips outside the house.” As well, a 2010 YouGov poll found that self-employed workers most often feel loneliness and isolation since they don’t have the support or camaraderie of colleagues. I don’t think Tilly and Shadow, my dog and cat, count.
Add to that the particular loneliness and isolation that can come with the writing life. Author and HuffPost Blogger Kristen Houghton describes it like this: “Writing is solitary work because it needs concentration, quiet and commitment. … to write a novel or short story requires intense alone time. It’s essential to your craft, ” she said. “Writing is often a frustrating business combining long hours alone and little instant recognition.”
Who’s Lonely Now?
I recognized my angst when I recently read Paula McLain’s The Paris Wife, a fictionalized account of the years when Ernest Hemingway was married to his first wife, Hadley. As McLain imagines, when the two first lived together, “Ernest had believed he could write anywhere, but after a few weeks of working in the cramped apartment, always aware of me, he found and rented a single room, very nearby, on Rue Descartes …. He didn’t want distractions and didn’t have any there.”
As time goes on and Ernest is away more and more, Hadley is the one who first feels lonely.
‘Sometimes I wonder if you want me writing at all. I think it makes you feel lonely.’
‘It’s not the writing that makes me lonely, it’s your being gone. It’s been so long since you’ve even tried to write here at home. Maybe it would work now and I could see you. I wouldn’t have to talk or disturb you.’
‘You know I need to go away to make anything happen.’ He closed the notebook and put his pencil on top, rolling it back and forth with his fingertips. ‘I have to be alone to get it started, but if I really was alone, that wouldn’t work either. I need to leave that place and come back here and talk to you. Do you get what I’m saying?’
‘I think so.’ I walked behind him and put my head on his shoulder, rubbing my face into his neck. But the truth was I didn’t, not really. And he knew.
‘Maybe no one can know how it is for anyone else.’
By late in the book, however, it’s Ernest who begins to feel lonely. “Ernest wrote very hard for the first few days, but then realized it was impossible to really be alone—and that maybe he didn’t want to be alone.”
It’s More Than Getting Out of the House
I call this “professional loneliness, ” though I have felt its reverberations even in my social life. It’s not just that I need to get out more. In fact, taking breaks during the day to run errands, go to the gym, or have lunch with a friend sometimes add up to more stress, because then I’m not working. Instead, it’s the loneliness of making all the decisions and doing all the work on my own. It’s also the isolation of feeling that no one else understands. It’s the lack of a network to support the ups and downs of vocational life.
To keep myself happily self-employed and to make my writing life sustainable for the long haul, I know I need more than just getting out the house from time to time. Too much time on Facebook doesn’t help either. Instead, I need to address these core concerns of professional loneliness. My plan involves several approaches.
Community, Networking & Food Truck Fridays
First, I’ve found a community of writers close to home who meet regularly in various venues. Some of them are freelancers who meet quarterly to talk shop. Others are creative writers who meet twice a month for critique and encouragement. A couple writers fit into both groups.
I’ve also joined a group of local business people who have a shared interest in our community and more experience than me. They call themselves a networking group, and after the first couple of meetings, I sensed their network is strong. I also met with a small-business consultant and with my accountant to bounce ideas off of them and get advice for my future. I’m still the one responsible, but they knew enough to say no to some of my ideas and yes to others.
Finally, I joined a coworking studio where I can work any time of day, any day of the week. I don’t really need the workspace since I have that nice office at the back of the house. But joining MatchBOX means I can get out of the house and still be working. It also means there’s usually someone to say “hi” to on the way to the kitchen, and we can all be thrilled together on Food Truck Fridays.
More times than not, though, I still find myself working alone at the back of a quiet house. As technology continues to advance and the “gig” economy gains ground, more and more of us may find ourselves in this situation, working from home or even self-employed. Solitude—aloneness, if not loneliness—serves as a necessary part of that arrangement, especially for writers. But today is Saturday. Soon the swirl of weekend activities will pull me from my writing. That’s as it should be. Like Hemingway, I need to be alone if I’m ever going to get my work done, but to make this writing life last, I also need people to come back to.
Photo by geir tønnessen, Creative Commons license via Flickr. Post by Charity Singleton Craig, co-author of On Being a Writer: 12 Simple Habits for a Writing Life that Lasts.
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Donna Z Falcone says
This is really striking a chord with me, Charity. I find myself more distractable when I have what I want, even… privacy and quiet. I really like that MatchBox coworking studio, mentioned here. What a great idea! I wonder if there is anything like that around here. I’m going to look into it. I have reached out to a fellow writer/songwriter in the area who, it turns out, is aching for a writing buddy nearby. So, tomorrow we meet and set up a little plan – this will help me, and I hope her.
Professional Loneliness… exactly.
Charity Singleton Craig says
Donna – I worked all day at Matchbox–maybe my 5th or 6th time. Normally I climb the spiral stairs into a loft area that is quieter and more removed. Today, I worked downstairs at a tall table amid the hubbub, including standing most of the time. And I got more done today than I have yet. I said hi to another writer I know. I discovered that a woman from my new writing group also is a member. And I saw lots of people coming and going and working on projects. I think I was even isolating myself too much here. Being right out in the open ended up being the best workspace (with headphones and classical music playing!).
I hope you can find a place that will give you this same focus and interaction.
Simply Darlene says
What are Food Truck Fridays?
This is a great follow-up/continuation to your earlier small group piece. So many angles – yet all point to finding our balance between community and solidtude.
community be-
yond wooden walls primes pumps
within heart’s chambers
Charity Singleton Craig says
Every Friday at my coworking studio, food trucks park outside and anyone working that day gathers around a table and eats together. Unfortunately, I’ve only been able to participate in Food Truck Friday once so far, but I see many opportunities in my future!
Interesting to see this as a continuation of the other piece. I think you are right. I’ve spent most of my adult life working in office settings, so it makes sense to me that this has been such a big adjustment. I’m glad I’m finding ways to make it work better.
L. L. Barkat says
The Food truck made me smile 🙂
Speaking of food, when I was mostly doing the at-home mom thing I would invite other mom-friends over to cook our evening meal together, then send them home with their portion of it. Cooking together was just so much more fun.
Loved the article. A real issue for many, I think.
Charity Singleton Craig says
Laura – I think your cooking together example could be a model for other work-at-home types. Taking shared tasks and doing them together really helps the loneliness. Yesterday, I was at Ann’s most of the day because we had some shared projects we wanted to hash out. It would also be great just to be in the same space doing our individual work. That would help the loneliness, I think.
I’ve been surprised how many people I’ve encountered lately who are experiencing professional loneliness. I think that’s why the coworking movement is so valuable. It’s important for many other reasons, too. But building community around work is one important reason.
Ann Kroeker says
I’m glad you’ve got your coworking space to escape to, and I’m delighted you and I could spend time collaborating on projects, dreaming up new ones and finalizing details on upcoming ones. It’s an honor to be one of your coworkers, even though we don’t see each other daily. You make me think; you push me creatively. And you grow delicious cherry tomatoes–another perk of working with people is when they share from their abundance. Thank you.
Charity Singleton Craig says
Being with people who make us think and push us creatively would benefit all of our work. I fear that many don’t have that even in their workplaces. I find that it is key for me wherever I am working. It’s been important for me to find that in new ways in my new work situation.
And I must say, that potato soup at your house yesterday was amazing!
Will Willingham says
What I found most intriguing was the idea that this is a different kind of loneliness — what comes of not having some of the social and business structures of the traditional workplace. So no, the idea is not to just get out more, but to find resources to meet that particular need for advice, for idea sharing, for knowing there are others out there, somewhere, working.
I am still working from home, but in the process of closing my solo business after 5 years and working now for another firm. I can see the difference in having colleagues, even though they are not in the same geographic space. I stop by the main office at times, and have regular phone interactions with my manager and colleagues.
(Also, I love seeing the growth of co-working spaces. I think they’re genius.)
Charity Singleton Craig says
LW – I think this different kind of loneliness was surprising to me, too. What I had included in a first draft that I didn’t leave in this final draft was a little history. Having been a single adult who mostly lived alone for 22 years before getting married, I was very used to being alone. During those years, I was rarely lonely. So just being (or working) alone was not the problem now. It was the structure of support that comes from working with people that I missed.
And yes, the co-working spaces are really on to something.
Marilyn Yocum says
This was really good.
I feel like I’m alone “too much” and “not enough,” both. Finding the balance is an ongoing challenge. I’m not sure I’ve ever reached a point where I have in nailed down, locked in. Right now is the best ever, though.
There was a time in my life that I had to force myself to schedule either a brunch, lunch or coffee date with one of my friends once a week. Not 5X/week, but once. I was falling behind in my connections and social media, while it has its benefits, makes a lonely person lonelier.
At the same time I’ve gotten better and better at maintaining strong boundaries around my peak writing time. Whatever happens outside of that – it may be more writing, it may not be – I assume are part of the creative input and swirl needed, that it’ll pay benefits at some point.
I find (and maybe this is age, I don’t know) that night time events will kill the next day’s writing unless I make it late in the week. Tonight (Thursday) I’ll go downtown to see a show and it won’t interfere with Friday’s writing, but if I do that early in the week, it puts a drag on me the whole week.
I like everything you said here, Charity!
michelle ortega says
Hi Marilyn! I so enjoyed your early morning writings from the class this summer~just wanted to pop in and say “hello”!
Marilyn Yocum says
Great to encounter you here, Michelle!
Charity Singleton Craig says
Marilyn – I really appreciate the self-awareness that your comment suggests. I find that I know myself better as I get older, too; that is, I have a better sense of when I need to hunker down alone at the back of the house or when I need to get out. I’m not as masterful at controlling that as I’d like, but I see that I am improving with age. I also am not one who do a lot of late evening activities. It’s more my circadian rhythm, I think. But I have to pace myself. Too many late nights and my productivity is shot, too.
Thanks for your comment. It’s helpful to hear other perspectives.
Donna Z Falcone says
That co-working space keeps crossing my mind – thank you for the link! Hatching a plan.
Rick Maxson says
Food trucks are the best thing that ever happened to offices. There is no food like the yummy trash sold on food trucks…maybe old fashioned diners and truck stops and when in Austin the food trailers there. It is wise to have the FT come on Fridays; that way you can detox and then eat healthy (maybe semi-healthy) for six days.
I know what you mean about needing to connect, to be able to say hi occasionally. But I am on my fourth year of working at home for HP and I have to say I don’t miss corporate offices at all. At home I steal solitude at this time of the morning, when the world is asleep. I usually work 2-3 hours from 2-5 AM. Then I steal some more time during the mornings on weekends. Once I fully retire I will relish actually having more hours in the day to write. But I am a hopeless insomniac.
Charity Singleton Craig says
Rick – In the limitations of this one essay I couldn’t say everything I needed to about this topic … including how very, very productive I am at home over the office. Some weeks, I accomplish in one week at home what it might take four weeks to do in an office. And not having the daily commute has added back years to my life!
I love food trucks. Interestingly, I can almost always find a vegan option at most food trucks. They are still probably not the most healthy, but I am always amazed.
michelle ortega says
Charity, I, too, experience that isolation in my professional life, since i am the owner of a small practice with only one part-time employee. I definitely love this working environment, but I have found that I need to make the effort to connect with other professionals at least once monthly for networking. Previously I would never have taken the “productive” time away, but I see it quite differently now.
I have several colleagues/friends who are small practice owners, and we can listen and support each other in the unique balance of being a care-giving professional as well as a business person, two distinctly challenging skill sets! I also find that when I speak to these contacts, I end up reconnecting with the joy and passion I feel for my work, instead of focusing on the inevitable fatigue of the day.
Another way I try to connect is to send emails to other professionals who share patients with me, noting improvements that can be attributed to our mutual work. The time invested in these professional connections is well-worth any amount of money spent on advertising.
I keep good boundaries on my time off during the week to give myself time to socialize, so I tend not to make lunch or coffee dates with friends during the work day. It’s too hard to switch my brain around and back again!
Thank you for sharing this!
Charity Singleton Craig says
Michelle – These are all great tips and ideas for connecting professionally when you work alone or at home. Thanks so much for sharing these. I also think it’s important to set up boundaries with time. Otherwise, you could be always and never working.
Diana Trautwein says
Wow, I get this. I’m home after 17 years of working and my husband is here almost all day every day — and I’m STILL lonely. Can’t put my finger on it exactly, but I am. And I’m not at all interested in going back to work, as such. It’s just different when you work from home. I like all the suggestions here and will chew on them a while. Thanks so much.
Charity Singleton Craig says
Diana – that vagueness is why I struggled to articulate this or even pinpoint it for months. I think professional loneliness is its own kind of animal.
Marilyn Yocum says
I agree.
Kris K Rasmussen says
Charity – The Hemingway reference was enough to get me to pop over and read this. I love this. I am trying to figure out my own routine with the summer relatively open. Thanks for sharing.
Charity Singleton Craig says
Hi Kris! So much has changed in my life since I originally wrote this piece … but alas, so much is still the same, particularly the professional loneliness. I’ve still not found the solution to that other than to keep putting myself where people are. My own small city started a coworking space, and I just joined it yesterday. Another way to get out of the house and be with people while I work. I’ve also been as intentional as a I can about collaborating with people for my work. It’s a beautiful way to connect with people.