I know a writer will survive on the island when she is as resilient as Laura Boggess. Laura agreed to let me share a behind-the-scenes editorial moment with you. And she suggested I even name her by name, which I love. It will make the conversation more lively and possible, to my mind. Thank you, Laura.
We’d been chatting about Beginnings and I said I am going to do an off-shoot column based on A Book of Beginnings. The column, perhaps not surprisingly, will feature beginnings. She was game for my idea and offered an old beginning she found in her files. This is what happened next…
I read the beginning and heard something strong in it.
That is how I chose to do what I ultimately did. I listened for the absolute heartbeat of the piece, found it, and brought it forward. And, well, got rid of the rest.
Here is the original beginning:
As a boy, his mother taught him how to pinch off the bottom of the funnel-like flower, pull the stylis through, ever so gently, gently—so as not to break the fragile filament—and with it, that dewy drop of sweetness.
He once read that olfactory memories are the most enduring. Smells linger on inside our brains long after their bodies have gone. Aromas stirred by a breeze as gentle as a breath can awaken memories long forgotten in the attic of a mind. Old-timers awaken in the middle of the night to the acrid smell of war that took the lives of their dearest friends. Aging mothers need only catch a waft of soured milk and their shriveled bodies respond with a longing for the nursing infant of their youth. Even the hardest of hearts, it is said, will be softened when the dormant scent of first love is stirred once again.
He knew this to be true, and this is why he smiled when the light scent of honeysuckle whispered on the edge of his consciousness.
He remembered.
Such effort expended for so small a prize. But then, some things are worth the labor.
Here is the Edited Version Which Laura Survived
This is why he smiled when the scent of honeysuckle whispered. He remembered.
You May Notice
The new beginning is—um—shorter. It might even be the whole first chapter, if she was brave about white space.
If Laura were to revise from where I ended up starting her, she could recapture certain aspects of the original beginning by working into a single outstanding memory. Maybe it would be the flower. Maybe not. It might benefit from being a specific incident with the flower. Maybe not. In any case, my suggestion would be that she not repeat most of what was deleted but that she open out the essential heartbeat in her signature style, accumulating lyricism around a spiraling memory.
That’s my editorial opinion. You are welcome to edit me.
Photo by Paul Bica, Creative Commons via Flickr. Post by L.L. Barkat, author of Rumors of Water: Thoughts on Creativity & Writing
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Maureen Doallas says
I love that single sentence as an opening line. It immediately speaks to a story waiting to be told. I’d want to know what “he” remembered. The wonderful thing, too, is that the story could develop in ways not foretold by that opening. We could be surprised to find where it goes.
The sentence also captures Laura’s gorgeous lyrical voice, which always stands out in her writing.
L. L. Barkat says
I found that was what I was drawn to, yes, and so wanted to extract it from where it had been buried. (Laura, you are so good to let us discuss this. thank you again! 🙂
Ann Kroeker says
Tighten. Simplify. Leave some white space.
But be sure to leave something worth looking at.
L. L. Barkat says
How do you do that when you edit, Ann?
For me it works pretty much like I said. I give the whole thing a chance. I give it a read. When I find that spot where my body responds with “ah” in almost a relief or delight kind of way, I know I’ve found the center and that it is now possible (though not always) to bring that to the fore and leave all else behind.
Ann Kroeker says
Okay, I hate to say this in public, but if my eyes are glazing over and I have to read a line more than once to stay engaged? That section needs attention: revision (to rearrange or tighten) or elimination (because it wasn’t adding anything).
That said, just last week a writer deleted from an article a few lines of nice description that I planned to leave in. I thought it added a sense of place and specificity to her piece–no, it wasn’t essential, but it did seem to add.
Then again, once it was gone, I didn’t miss it.
L. L. Barkat says
I think these things need to be said in public. These are the standards great editors use. And they are also the standards that you and I and writers like Laura use for ourselves when we revise.
because it is so easy to just “publish” stuff these days, I think we writers are not being trained to be hard on ourselves. I love that your writer disciplined to delete! 🙂
Charity Singleton Craig says
I was all prepared to fess up before you offered the nice compliment about “discipline.” But since Laura allowed her work to be discussed publicly, I figured I could do the same for mine. Ann’s comment above was about a piece I wrote (unless of course there was another author she edited last week who also cut some description!)
Given the option, I will ALWAYS use more words rather than less, it seems. Tell me to write 500, I write 600. 1000? I write 1,200. I don’t know why. But then tell me to cut, and I’ll do it, if I have to. Would prefer to do it myself, even, because often in the cutting is the best rewriting. It’s not really discipline. It’s more economics. Because I certainly have my “darlins” that I am just so attached to. But those are the places that usually can stand the most cutting.
Ann Kroeker says
Charity and I have talked on and off about the essay form, which historically includes a fair amount of “telling” in addition to the “showing.” I’d love to discuss this someday–if the essay form (like those of E.B. White, Wendell Berry, Scott Russell Sanders) has a place online.
If so, where?
If not, where?
L. L. Barkat says
My girls and I discussed how I edited Laura’s piece and sort of ended up going over this matter. Sara felt there is a place for long and winding description, even at the opening of a piece. I agreed with her but said this one would need to do it differently if it was going to take that approach. (Not that this is an essay). Really, I should have her come by and discuss with us. She will put it better than I can.
Best essay place online right now: The Common.
http://www.thecommononline.org/
Ann Kroeker says
Thanks for the tip! I’ll check it out.
Charity Singleton Craig says
Me, too! I’m heading there next. Always on the lookout for essays. Especially fresh, contemporary ones.
Laura says
Yes, a very humbling editing experience! But I have, indeed, survived. And maybe I’ve learned a little something too :). I like the idea of weaving in more elsewhere. I agree it didn’t make a very strong beginning. The main character in this novel is someone who is very sensitive to scents, and I weave that in and out through the story as character development. I like how your beginning holds the essence of that without having to spell it all out. As Kidder and Todd say, we should respect our reader enough to allow that they might “get it” without too much telling.
So I am rewriting. Again. 🙂
Maureen Doallas says
I’m already intrigued, Laura.
L. L. Barkat says
My girls felt you could have also used this edited version as a crowning two sentences if you had worked the opening to tell us something important about his setting and maybe meandered up to the final two lines with that. Sonia pictured him inside, the scent coming through the window. But I said that depends on what is really going to happen action-wise. Maybe he is walking in the woods. Maybe he is in the car, window down. This would all depend on the relationship that is hinted at in these two sentences. Is the relationship with a woman? A lover? His mother? His sister? A daughter? Father? Brother? Friend? Or maybe it is a relationship with himself, that will be opened out over time. The setting, painted in your lyrical style, could be our first clue. That’s what the girls thought anyway 🙂
laura says
Our character is waking from a dream about a former lover. But his mother and the woman are deeply intertwined in the story. Your girl has a good ear (eye?). Does she want to edit in her grown-up life?
Monica Sharman says
I think “Boggess and Barkat” has a pleasant ring to it. Even better than “Kidder and Todd.” 😉
I love being in this comment box. So…educational.
L. L. Barkat says
B&B.
We could offer fresh omelettes 🙂
Ann Kroeker says
Or they can write Broadway musicals.
L. L. Barkat says
ha! 🙂
Sandra Heska King says
I’d like to order a popover and rose petal jelly along with my omelette, please.
laura says
Oh, this makes me smile. B&B. Broadway musicals. If only you knew the rest of the story in this novel…
Juliana Kapetanov says
This is a great discussion, and I really enjoyed reading what everyone had to say. Although I really appreciated the amount of detail in the original opening, I can also see the how a more direct opening could be more enticing to the reader. Laura, I really like the way you used “weave” to describe the way the character’s sense of smell permeates the story. “Weave” is the perfect word to describe this technique.
I would love to see more discussions like this on the site! 🙂
L. L. Barkat says
how brave are you? Give me a poem you are not sure about. I’ll edit.
But then you get to be on Tweetspeak-TV ;-). You’d need to feel okay about that. 🙂
laura says
Thanks for joining in the discussion, Juliana :). This has been a lot of fun. I can recommend a few therapists if you decide to take L.L. up on her offer (grin).
SimplyDarlene says
Good grief Gertrude, that’s some winnowing!
I wonder if
eraser turds
(that’s what we call
penciled words,
scrubbed
off notepaper)
mind so much
being
wiped
onto floorboards?
I reckon they
recombine
beneath footprints
of another
time.
L. L. Barkat says
I never said it was easy being edited by me. But I am kind. And I only have the writer’s best work in mind 🙂
I love the idea of recombination. If it endures to recombine, then it was worth saving somehow, even if not in the particular piece where it first surfaced 🙂
Monica Sharman says
“the writer’s best work in mind”
Should be on the top of every editor’s guidelines.
Ann Kroeker says
Monica, this is my heart…my intention.
Ann Kroeker says
I do keep the reader in mind, as well.
L. L. Barkat says
Say more? 🙂
Charity Singleton Craig says
I have to admit that I like the detail of the first beginning, but the second beginning, especially if i hadn’t known about the first, made me very intrigued.
May I throw out something here that maybe can go without saying? Writing beginnings is different than writing middles or endings. What I loved about Laura’s unedited work may be a beautiful part of a developed story – rewoven or recombined in another way. Maybe it is just as a beginning that caused you to edit this way? Would the editing have been the same if it was a middle or an ending?
I also love this discussion, Laura. And Laura. The openness of this exercise is a real benefit to many, me included.
L. L. Barkat says
My older daughter especially missed the details once they were gone. Of course, I couldn’t write them, because they need to be supplied by Laura.
What ensued was a discussion of how the opening-detail feel could have been preserved if it focused on developing something else about the character or the setting. It was a rousing discussion, actually, and made it clear that there is always more than one way to begin 🙂
There were two parts of the deleted section that I thought were maybe something to take forward: the flower and the note about a first-love memory stirring the hardest of hearts. But those go in different directions: one towards the mother and one towards a lover. So a choice perhaps would need to be made? Who is the story really about? (Gosh, Laura, now I want to know!! 🙂 )
L. L. Barkat says
correction. She didn’t miss the particular details. What she missed was the meandering and the sense that this would be a slow-lyric story 🙂
Elizabeth W. Marshall says
Laura, this is so gracious you. You are a saint to allow discussion around your beautiful lyrical style, your voice…I think I would know it anywhere. Eyes closed.
I love the notion of being thick skinned enough to release our work to others to edit, yet tender hearted enough to not only ‘survive” the changes, but allow them to change us for the better.
I know first hand the gentle style of L.L. I cherish those experiences. They are few but precious to me. Last week I went to sleep after submitting a piece which was ‘fine” when I went to bed and I woke up to an editor with a three hour time difference who had cut it in half. Or more. She was right. It was better. It ran with her changes. Her version was an improvement.
We learn so much from others. If we will let ourselves release our words. Punch holes in the mason jar lid, let them breathe. twinkle under another’s black night sky.
Laura and L.L. this is wonderful. Hope you will do more of this.
laura says
Thank you, Elizabeth :). I know I’m among friends. And in good hands here.
Donna says
Brava x 2! This was fun to read it all, and brave for you both to do and share!!!
LjDowns says
I agree with Charity, I liked it the first time around, but I was CAPTIVATED by that edited one liner. L.L., you’ve got mad editing (and style) skills and my hat’s off to Laura for receiving your suggestions graciously, and persevering. I’d love to see more before and afters. It helps me see things I wouldn’t otherwise see…
L. L. Barkat says
That’s it, you know. What it takes to be an editor…is to be responsive to the part that captivates. No matter where it is found.
And then to love it so much that you can’t bear to have it not be seen for what it is. So you cut and rearrange, until everyone else can see it, feel it, too.
Shelly Miller says
Oh, I like it here. I’ve learned so much already. Love this discussion. And its just one more thing I love about Laura, her letting go and being confident in the process.
laura says
Thank you, Shelly :). I’m a forever student, what can I say. Some wonderful teachers here.
Diana Trautwein says
This right here? The single most helpful thing I’ve seen online in months. Thank you. At first I was STUNNED that you could make such a sweeping cut. But then. . . yeah. . . maybe… uh huh, tell me more. That’s the point, I guess. Tell.Me.More. Ann Kroeker is genius at this. Thank you all.
L.L. Barkat says
Well, that is a fine, fine compliment from Diana Trautwein.
I am curious to know what made it helpful for you. Especially since you first resisted.
Diana Trautwein says
(Sorry for the delay in reply – I was out walking in circles. :>) That’s another comment thread, though. . . )
I would have to say it was the combo of the article with the expansive comment section. The post initially left me in that place of resistance. The comments moved me to the other side. The reiteration of ‘finding the heartbeat’ was most helpful, because that is what is so hard to do sometimes.
Because I am a person who has lived her life by this motto – “anything that can be done can be overdone” – I, too, like Charity and others here, tend to push the word-limit boundaries. I self-edit some, but I really appreciate someone else’s input. (Interestingly enough, sometimes it is to add more at a certain point. This is most often true for articles I write for our denominational magazine, which is different from a blog post or online magazine article, I think. But then, what the heck do I know???)
Also? I was with your girl on the meandering detail bit – I enjoy that style quite a lot and I love it when Laura does it. But I guess what helped me the most in this particular case was going back and re-reading that this was about beginnings. That makes a difference for me.
The edited beginning grabs. The long one taps gently. And by the time I was through with reading ALL of this, I had decided the gentle tapping might fit elsewhere in this piece, but not at the start. Does that make any sense at all??
L. L. Barkat says
for the record, sometimes I have asked a writer to add large sections. So it’s really about what any particular piece needs. Maybe you remember Emily Wierenga’s 4-part series on anorexia over at THC awhile back? I coached her to add *a lot* that I sensed was missing. And it was a very delicate dance. And she survived too. And it was amazing.
Will Willingham says
I think that’s a really important piece of it, Diana. That it looks and feels for a moment here like an entire work was cut down to a pair of breathtaking sentences. But really, it was one small part of a larger work, and in particular, the beginning of that work, which is so crucial.
Ann Kroeker says
Oh, my! I’m late revisiting this post, but I’m so glad I did–Diana, thank you! You are so great to work with!
Ann Kroeker says
I just did the same recently, L.L. (asked someone to add). The reason? In the first version, the writer was doing a lot of *telling* and not enough *showing* and the real story had not yet been told.
I asked for the story: sensory details, specificity, reactions–even dialogue, if appropriate. She gave me all of the above, and the piece turned into something much stronger and more captivating.
Sandra Heska King says
I love Laura’s words, and I love, love how you found the absolute heartbeat in them.
I’m pretty sure I’d survive if an editor did this much to me–I mean, my words. But honestly, there’s a part of me that says if they need to, maybe my writing wasn’t so great to begin with…
That said, I’ve been at the end of Laura’s, Ann’s, and Charity’s red pens and survived. They’re very kind. 🙂
L.L. Barkat says
Some words are beyond salvaging. I guess that is when a writer might need to doubt just a little 🙂 (Or understand that maybe what he/she did was a free writing and not something finished, to give to the world.)
I added nothing to Laura’s. Simply stripped away. So it stands. Great writing was/is here.
I think this exercise begins to show the power of reading excellent poetry. In a small space, we can get a handle on just how language sings best. We begin to understand the value of a space and the power of, as Charity called it above, economy.
laura says
Yes! When I am actively reading poetry, I am a better writer. Note to self: dust off Berry.
Ann Kroeker says
I like what you said about freewriting–so many of us write long beginnings just to get going. The piece starts to take form about two or three paragraphs in, but we may need someone else to point it out. That’s where rearranging or cutting can help.
Ann Kroeker says
Words to live by!
Alia Joy says
I love this comment thread and the bravery Laura showed in sharing her work and edits so openly. This may be my biggest struggle. Learning to cut and edit with a harsh red pen. I don’t know that I get to the heart the way I need to for my writing to stand alone. I always have too many so it’s amazing to see such broad edits on this piece and yet, the essence is there all the more powerfully. I’m learning. Keep talking…
Rebekah says
I’m new here, but I just found this discussion fascinating! Thank you for leaving the door open for me to slip in and hear your conversations.
Sandra Heska King says
Reading poetry (and trying to write a little) has helped me tremendously. So has Twitter. 🙂